Keeping My Promise

My name is Seth, and late last year, Jessica asked me if I would write a post or two to her blog once she was unable to.  This blog has been both therapeutic and rewarding to her, and it is her wish that this journey is recorded, and that everyone who has so graciously spent their time reading this blog have some closure, whenever that time comes.   That time is not yet here, so I will do my best to honor her wishes.  I promise that this will not be my final post for her, as I am sure I will have more to share about the amazing person I have come to both love and respect these past 8 years.

In the past few weeks, Jessica has been fighting nausea, seizures and extreme head pain.   All of these which are a result of her lung cancer which has metastasized to the now 25 tumors in her brain.   All of her tumors have had “significant growth” in the past two months, the largest having grown to 3cm.  As I sit here now, we are still at the hospital, but I expect to have her home later today in Home-Hospice care.  Last night, I found the following draft of a blog entry she was composing on March 16th.  I know that this was not complete, but I think it gives a hint of her mindset during this period of time.

First, the background of the post.   On Saturday, March 8th, we drove down to the new farm so that we could “farm sit” while her mom made a quick trip back to WV to retrieve some last minute items from the old farm.   Unfortunately, Jessica had what we decided to call, “an episode”, that lasted about 30 seconds.   That “episode” resulted in the obvious call to 911, who quickly arrived and checked her out.  By the time they had arrived, she was feeling fine, and we decided to not go to the local hospital near the farm since they didn’t have her records anyways.

And now, her post as I found it in draft form from March 16th:


 

I’ve been starting to think a lot about the process of dying. And I don’t know why it’s comes to mind other than maybe this is just the time that it should.

I suppose no one has the opportunity to go back and do it twice.  Right now I can only speak on the feelings I’ve had around my seizures, and whatever the event was after, and the feelings I’ve had since.  Sometimes a very smooth spherical cylindrical funneled like, and if I can allow myself to let go and not be scared for her even the smallest moments of time, they are creative fun spaces full of happiness.  Sometimes I feel like there’s a playful dangerous yet still very safe fun place that’s very very available to me.  I think I have Shadow, him target riding along the very beginning of trails on the farm and in Brogue or Windsor whichever.
I remember when we did our Foxhunt, and my main concern wasn’t that I would get hurt but that he would get hurt when going down one of the rocky hills and into the road.

I don’t know what to think of the combination of these fluid and solid examples that are being presented to me.

This really has me wondering if my brain is starting to form its final reorganization. Or am I just going mad? Or is this the actual reason people do go mad!?

 

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45 responses to “Keeping My Promise

  • Sjoukjd

    Thank you Seth for writing here.

    Please know that so many people are thinking of your Jessica and you and the bunnies. Please give Jessica our love. She’s lucky to have someone like you around loving her and caring for her.

    Much love from the Netherlands xxx

  • Katie

    my thoughts and prayers for you and Jessica and your families and friends. I’m keeping her in my heart. There are simply no words… 😦

  • Claire

    You are both in my thoughts and prayers.

  • deanafelicia

    Seth and Jessica, know that many love and care about you. I know I do. May this be a peaceful experience. Gentle hugs.

  • Elizabeth

    I’m sorry just doesn’t truly get my message across. I am thinking of Jessica and all her loved ones.

  • Roy

    My only thoughts after reading this is “be quiet”. My heart smiles, and at the same time it hurts.

    Thanks so much for sharing.

  • Katie McCullough (@KatM1221)

    sending thought and prayers to you Seth and to Jessica. Her blogs are what made me decide to write. She is truly an angle ((hugs))

  • kimmywink

    Sending love from both of us to both of you.
    xoxo Kim and Spencer

  • Gail

    Seth, thanks so much for blogging, and so much sympathy to you both.

    There is just nothing to say……….

    Gail

  • rawkthisway

    Sending prayers and well wishes to you Seth and of course your fabulous girl. Thanks for letting us in and sharing your journey Jessica. Gob bless

  • Bill

    Seth, thank you for the update, I know it was difficult. Love to both of you and the bunnies.

  • Kathleen Hoffman, PhD

    I am so sorry that Jessica is hurting and want very, very much for the head pain and nausea to be relieved. Hospice is there to ease her suffering. Thank you for getting her home to her bunnies.

    Thank you for sharing her post…tell her she is not crazy…

    Thank you for keeping this promise. I am so, so very sorry. I send you, Jessica, her mom and brother love and sympathy and I pray for you all.

  • Sandy

    Thank you, Seth, for sharing and for being there for Jessica. My heart goes out to both of you as you face this together.

  • Leigh Ann

    Love, thoughts and prayers are with you guys ❤

  • readytotell

    Seth. I am

    Linda Forem 2628 Gayton Grove Rd Richmond, Va. 23233 804.869.4861

    >

    • readytotellLinda

      Seth, I pushed send by mistake after I read your email. And now I have just learned that Jessica is gone. Please know how we all grieve for you and we thank you for being the love of her life.

  • Mary Ann

    Thank you so much for updating us. I don’t know Jessica, but I want you to know that she has been a blessing to me. Her sincere, heartfelt, honest posts have helped me through a sad time in my life. She has helped me understand that which I didn’t. Peace, love, and ‘creative fun spaces of happiness’ to her during this time.

  • Craig

    Thank you, Seth, for writing on Jessica’s behalf and sharing the thoughts she was drafting up. I hope she can get some relief from the discomforts, and hope there will be more moments to you both to enjoy together and remember.

    Best hopes,

    Craig
    in PA

  • Tracey

    I’ve read all of the other comments and don’t think I could say it much better than they all have. I pray for Jessica’s comfort and for peace in her heart. My heart goes out to you as well, Seth. Thank you for keeping the promise to blog, I know how hard it must be. Blessings to all of you.

  • Denise Rowell

    Thinking of your entire family. Seth, you are definitely her angel on earth. Stay strong. You have many prayer warriors who have your back. XOXOXOX

  • Chantilly Bubble Real Estate Blog

    Wow, thanks Seth…. what a wonderful person you are to love her so much as we have all grown to do. She is a pillar of strength…. we can only hope for her comfort.

  • stage5cancerblog

    Seth,
    My brain mets are growing too. Jessica has been an inspiration to me and a beacon. Tell her thank you for me and know that there are many who hold you all in a place of love and compassion. I will carry on remembering her all the way.
    Steve

  • Amiee Lowe

    How many times I have thought of you both. I hope this next part, whatever it may be, brings you peace and relief from this treacherous path you find yourselves on. Sending positive thoughts your way…..

  • Robin

    Seth,

    Thank you for this update. May you, Jessica and your families ve surrounded with peace and love. My thoughts are with you all.

    Robin

  • Ruth Rainwater

    Thank you, Seth, for the update. I am holding you both, and your families, in my heart. My prayers for you all.

  • Tori

    Thank you, Seth, for posting. I’m sending love and comfort to you both. Jessica’s writing has meant so much to me. She is really amazing. May you both find peace.

    Tori

  • grayconnections

    Seth,
    Thank you the update, and for sharing the window on Jessica’s thoughts. Prayers for peace and comfort for Jessica as well as you and the family.
    Janet Freeman-Daily

  • HP

    Seth-thanks for posting. You are such a comfort to Jessica, As are her animal friends. I pray that her pain subsides and you both find strength and peace. I’m thinking of you both regularly and want you to know you are surrounded by love.

    -Heather

  • Charles George

    God bless, peace, and prayers for you both. She’s been an inspiration to me in many ways.

  • Colleen

    Thank you, Seth.

  • Natalie

    I have been following Jessica’s blog for a little over a year now. Thank you Seth for the update. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Fawn

    Thank you Seth. My prayers, hearts and thoughts are with you, her and her family. Thank you Jessica for chronicling your journey.
    Fawn

  • Sharon Wierwille

    Thank you for the update, from one ALKy to another. Is there any treatment available for the brain mets?

    My love to you both,
    Sharon

  • Nora DePalma

    Keeping both of you in my thoughts and praying that they can find a way to reduce the pain. Hate the Jessica’s hurting!

  • Laura Hunt Jones

    Thanks Seth for this post. We met briefly when you joined Jessica at a few after work Citi events. I had the privlege of working with Jessica on the implementation team at Citi Prepaid. I live in London but have been following Jessica’s journey closely, praying for her strength and health. Her open honesty, dry wittiness and glass half full mentality only made me more angry that this was happening to her but relieved that she has you, her mom and such strong friends supporting her. All my prayers are with you all.
    Laura

  • greycupcake

    Dear Seth and Jessica,

    Jessica, as an intelligent, funny and successful woman has said of herself that she knows her story isn’t a classical pity case (I think her exact words were sob story) but exactly because of who she is, she is (and will remain) a reminder for all of us to live in the moment, every moment. Thank you, Jessica

  • Geri

    Much love to you Jessica and Seth.

  • Brenda Hampton

    Dear Seth and Jessica, Thanks for sharing this loving story. May the lord wrap her in his arms and give her comfort. she has brought me great comfort as I go through my own cancer journey!

  • Debbie, Bella and Brownie

    I woke up this morning to a dreary and rainy day. I now have learned that the heavens are crying for Jessica’s passing. I cannot express my sorrow in learning of Jessica’s passing this morning. Heart felt condolences to you Seth and her mother and brother. I am sure your hearts are much heavier today than mine and I wish you peace and healing. I know that tonight, Jessica will be the brightest shining star in the sky. She was a brave warrior and she has been called home to finally rest in peace.

  • Arrin

    Jessica & Seth, there are truly no words to express how deeply my heart goes out to you guys. May this time together be filled with peace, love and warmth. Sending prayers and strength. Xoxo. Arrin

  • Elana R

    I’m so very happy I got to meet you Jessica and you Seth at the Hop for Hope fundraiser. And all the fun we had going around the area – Longwood Gardens and meeting Blossom. Sending you both love and hugs for strength and peace. Love, Elana and Mr. Hops

  • costellocnm

    ~ Thinking of you and sending you LOVE ~

  • Quisty

    I am sorry for your loss. Please let us know if there is any way we can chip in to a fund for expenses – youcaring or chipin, etc. I’d be honored and I’m sure others would too.

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