Keeping My Promise

My name is Seth, and late last year, Jessica asked me if I would write a post or two to her blog once she was unable to.  This blog has been both therapeutic and rewarding to her, and it is her wish that this journey is recorded, and that everyone who has so graciously spent their time reading this blog have some closure, whenever that time comes.   That time is not yet here, so I will do my best to honor her wishes.  I promise that this will not be my final post for her, as I am sure I will have more to share about the amazing person I have come to both love and respect these past 8 years.

In the past few weeks, Jessica has been fighting nausea, seizures and extreme head pain.   All of these which are a result of her lung cancer which has metastasized to the now 25 tumors in her brain.   All of her tumors have had “significant growth” in the past two months, the largest having grown to 3cm.  As I sit here now, we are still at the hospital, but I expect to have her home later today in Home-Hospice care.  Last night, I found the following draft of a blog entry she was composing on March 16th.  I know that this was not complete, but I think it gives a hint of her mindset during this period of time.

First, the background of the post.   On Saturday, March 8th, we drove down to the new farm so that we could “farm sit” while her mom made a quick trip back to WV to retrieve some last minute items from the old farm.   Unfortunately, Jessica had what we decided to call, “an episode”, that lasted about 30 seconds.   That “episode” resulted in the obvious call to 911, who quickly arrived and checked her out.  By the time they had arrived, she was feeling fine, and we decided to not go to the local hospital near the farm since they didn’t have her records anyways.

And now, her post as I found it in draft form from March 16th:

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I’ve been starting to think a lot about the process of dying. And I don’t know why it’s comes to mind other than maybe this is just the time that it should.

I suppose no one has the opportunity to go back and do it twice.  Right now I can only speak on the feelings I’ve had around my seizures, and whatever the event was after, and the feelings I’ve had since.  Sometimes a very smooth spherical cylindrical funneled like, and if I can allow myself to let go and not be scared for her even the smallest moments of time, they are creative fun spaces full of happiness.  Sometimes I feel like there’s a playful dangerous yet still very safe fun place that’s very very available to me.  I think I have Shadow, him target riding along the very beginning of trails on the farm and in Brogue or Windsor whichever.
I remember when we did our Foxhunt, and my main concern wasn’t that I would get hurt but that he would get hurt when going down one of the rocky hills and into the road.

I don’t know what to think of the combination of these fluid and solid examples that are being presented to me.

This really has me wondering if my brain is starting to form its final reorganization. Or am I just going mad? Or is this the actual reason people do go mad!?