Stress Test

It was 12pm on Tuesday.  Lying in bed, I felt a sense of relief wash over me.  I accomplished the one thing I had to do – take Gracie to the vet – and now I could relax.

This week I had appointments on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday.  Pondering my schedule late Sunday night, I became very anxious.  “Can I handle being out every day?”  “What if I’m away from home and have a bad LDK episode?”  “What if I’m too sick to leave the house?”  “What if, what if, what if?”

Logically, though, I knew I should be able to handle the obligations.  And I sure as hell wasn’t going to let anyone (or anybun) down.

I hate second guessing myself.  You see, I’ve always thrived in stressful situations.  But now I can barely handle calling my bank to dispute a fee.  My heart accelerates, my hands shake, and I feel short of breath.  When I realize what’s happening, I get even more upset that my body won’t cope like it should!

It’s ridiculous.  I disgust myself, to be honest.  Sure I’ve pumped a lot of chemicals and other biological meddlers into my body.  I expect there to be physical side effects.

But the revelation that my mind has been impacted, in any way, is absolutely heartbreaking.

3 responses to “Stress Test

  • Sjoukje

    You have to try and listen to what your body tells you and not your mind….not easy, that’s for sure. I hope Gracie’s okay and you did well taking her out for her vet visit 🙂

    big hugs !

    • Jessica

      Thanks Sjoukje. Gracie is fine; it was a follow-up visit. She had to have surgery on her left ear because she had chronic abscesses. It’s the same surgery she had for the right ear last year! But now that both are fixed she will be free of this problem. 😊

  • readytotell

    Jessica, Everyone has moments of self-doubt and worry. And most of us worry about things that never happen! Even the strongest people in history admit to these feelings. From Thomas Jefferson to Mother Teresa. What makes you one of the truly rare and strong women is that you are fully present to these thoughts and that is what sets you apart. It is that awareness that defines your strength. Being fully present. In the moment. Aware. That is your gift to yourself.

    Linda Forem 2628 Gayton Grove Rd Richmond, Va. 23233 804.869.4861

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