I’ve been researching some fun things lately – engagement rings, vacation ideas, wedding locations, things like that. It’s not that Seth and I are running off to the altar any time soon. And as I’ve told him, I don’t need a ring on my finger to know how much he loves me.

That said, there is surely a reason my mind has turned to this subject matter.
With LDK really letting me down, I’ve begun to wonder what the next treatment chapter of my cancer storybook will hold. Will it make me sick? Will I lose my hair? Will I have any travel restrictions?

I skipped my LDK doses this weekend. Seth and I ran errands Saturday morning and had a fancy dinner to celebrate his birthday in the evening. On Sunday we relaxed at home and did some DVR clean-up. It was nice to spend all afternoon and evening hanging out with Seth on the couch. I was out of bed for ten hours, and I can’t remember the last time I felt decent enough to do that. (Typing this now, I realize LDK has had an impact much greater and more complex than the ‘episodes’ I commonly describe.)

I think the good weekend has subconsciously motivated me to figure out what I want to do when I feel this good (or even better) in the future. It gave me hope that I can feel good enough to go on vacation or get married. It’s the polar opposite of how I’ve felt for the last twelve weeks; imagining I would live in this mediocre and sometimes painful state until I finally died.

I am more than clinical trial subject #1098093. I am a person who still has hopes and dreams. My mom tells me, “you can’t give up.” She means on treatment (which I’m not, for the record). But you know what? I also can’t give up on my desire to live a happy life. I guess the trick is to keep both balls in the air, both quests aligned, for as long as possible.

Yesterday I had a CT scan, and we visited a jewelry store afterwards. An afternoon nap and an attempt at a late dinner rounded out Seth’s birthday. Unfortunately once we reached the restaurant doors I had to do an about face: I was overcome with a wave of nausea. Instead of dinner, Seth spent two or three hours keeping me company while I groaned, kicked, swore, and whined . Looking back, those days off were nice for both of us!

I don’t know what LDK still has in store; only a reduced dose and time will tell. But I’m anxious to feel better and do some fun things with the people I love. Until then I will be right here, lying in bed, with my iPad.


4 responses to “Daydreaming

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