So Rude

I haven’t blogged since starting the trial last Tuesday.  It was a hard one, that first day.  Seth and I spent 12 hours at Fox Chase.  As promised, the day was full of blood draws, EKGs, and vitals.  When we finally left at 7:20pm, it was with little relief; we had to return 14 hours later.

Days 2 and 9 (yesterday) were much easier.  A few tubes of blood, vitals, an EKG here and there, I was on my way.  Average visit time 2-3 hours.  I’ll have another one of these next week, too.  Then on December 20, cycle 2 starts, and the series of visits repeats.  My next CT scan to measure progress is on January 7.

It seems that I had a brief reprieve at the end of October (after my last dose of Gemzar and before the increase in intensity of my cancer symptoms).  During those few weeks I was out and about, running errands and doing little projects around the house.  There were days I didn’t even nap!

But by the start of November, things started to go downhill.

Seth and I had planned a pre-Thanksgiving trip to the farm.  We were two hours into the drive when I declared “this wasn’t a good idea.”  I was in pain and couldn’t find a way to sit that didn’t anger my back.  But I had committed to the trip, and I really wanted to go.

It was worth it, too.  I got to spend time with my mom and love on all of the animals before cramming into the car for the 7 hour drive home.  Once home I turned on the (now famous) heated mattress pad and tucked myself under the sheets.

That was November 18; I haven’t moved much since then!

Now please don’t think I’m miserable.  Most days aren’t horrible.  I’m just too uncomfortable – either painful or tired – to be out of bed for a long period of time.  So I stay in bed, try to keep on top of the pain, and sleep when I can.

Unfortunately I also haven’t had the energy to keep up with a lot of things – like blogging, staying current forums, seeing my friends who live nearby, and even emailing or texting the others.  I’m just very drained – physically and mentally.

I feel bad about all those things I’m missing.  It makes me seem lazy, selfish, and thoughtless.  I know the people who love me realize that’s not who I am.  And if you’ve met me through reading this blog, I’d like it very much if you just take my word!

I think with some improvement in my cancer (which I expect from the treatment) and better pain management, I’ll start feeling like myself again.  Until then I’ll just have to fight through the best I can and enjoy the season.  My goal by sharing this with you is that you may understand that I’m struggling right now.  Please don’t take it personally if I appear rude or thoughtless.  Or even if my writing doesn’t live up to previous posts.  I’m sure I’ll start feeling like me sometime soon.

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