Analyzing Anxiety

I spent the past few days at the farm in West Virginia with my mom and three friends.

Two of us drove from the Philadelphia area.  (I was a VERY grateful passenger.)  Another one drove from Florida to pick-up the fourth in South Carolina.  From there they made the journey via car to West Virginia.  I have devoted friends!

It was great to see everyone and spend some quality time with my mom and the animals.  But I’m a little disappointed in the way I behaved at times.

I was tightly wound and anxious all weekend.  I did my best to relax and just have fun, but my brain got the best of me.

I’m typically rather laid back and take things in stride.  But this weekend, even the smallest change in plans gave me anxiety.  I accidentally snapped at my friends and even upset my mom once.  I just wasn’t myself.  I apologized profusely, of course, but I still feel like an ass.

I’ve been reflecting on this, trying to figure out what was going on.  My first guesses are Gemzar-related.  It could also be messing with my hormones or otherwise doing something funky in my brain, although the prescribing info didn’t mention these specifically.

My other suspicions are related to pain and breathing.  When I don’t breathe enough, my body starts to panic and causes feelings of anxiety.  Maybe I allowed these to manifest as or breed into other forms of anxiety.  My final thought is that I was just crabby when I was in pain – pretty basic.

Whatever the reason, I’m not pleased with the way I felt and the way I spoke to my friends.  I deeply value my friendships, and I wish I would have been better company this weekend.

All that said, I think everyone enjoyed their farm adventure.  The weather cooperated most of the time, and the animals were on their best behavior.  My mom was a great hostess, and our mutual love of animals brought us all together.

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2 responses to “Analyzing Anxiety

  • Patrick

    ‘wishing I would have been better company’. Thank you for saying that. New to all this I sometimes even find it hard to find the words for how I think I feel. Thank you for sharing your story.
    Patrick

  • Carol

    Give yourself a break. Your friends and family know you and love you. No one can begin to imagine how hard it is to be nice and pleasant all the time much less when dealing with pain, meds, stress. So you gave an apology and now forgive yourself. You are an amazing, beautiful, kind, funny, wonderful woman. I crap out on people for far less reasons and they always forgive me knowing that sometimes we just can’t help ourselves. I’m glad you had a good time and I am sure most of the people around you never gave it a second thought. Think about how crabby some people are just when they are tired. Sometimes you just have to let it go. Keep enjoying each day as much as you can. Miss you!!

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