Wasted Time

One indicator that I’m having some rough days is my lack of blogging.  And this week has been challenging, both physically and mentally.  I haven’t had much interest in watching TV or eating, for example.  Don’t worry, I am eating, just mostly for social reasons (dinner with Seth) or necessity (so I can take medicine).  And to tie back to an earlier post, I’m fine missing a few meals!  The part that troubles me is that I’m not enjoying these things.

To be honest, I’m rather fed-up with this whole cancer thing.  Even sleeping has lost its charm.  Sometimes I feel like I’m just passing time in my signature low-grade-fever-funk, waiting for the moment when I’m so exhausted that I pass out lying down on or leaning in the corner of my couch.  When I wake 2-4 hours later, it’s usually in a panic, gasping for air, coughing.  It’s getting old my friends, really old.

So tonight I tried to push myself a bit and go to dinner, even though I didn’t feel good.

Normally, when you are sick you think, ‘I should rest so my body can heal, and I will feel better.’  But I’m not sure that logic applies here.  First, I know that no amount of rest will fix this.  Cancer does not simply ‘run its course.’  Correction: Cancer DOES run its course, but you don’t want to be around at the finish line!  Second, misery loves company.  I think my exact words to Seth as I stepped into his house were, “I’m tired of being miserable alone.”  And third, I hate feeling like a day has gone by and I’ve done absolutely nothing to enjoy it.

So dinner was nice.  I took my time, and I enjoyed both the food and the company.  And I enjoyed being off my couch for a couple of hours.  I can’t just keep waiting to feel better.  What if this is as good as it gets, and I’m just wasting time?

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One response to “Wasted Time

  • Carol

    I’m sorry for your pain but please know that every day you are making a difference in someone’s life and touching someone. I pray it gets better but you have to keep fighting and believe that every day they make progress with new drugs. You have to fight until the end and fight hard. Too many people love and care about you. Reach out to friends for support and keep blogging. Sometimes just knowing someone cares is all it takes to make another day happy.

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