One indicator that I’m having some rough days is my lack of blogging. And this week has been challenging, both physically and mentally. I haven’t had much interest in watching TV or eating, for example. Don’t worry, I am eating, just mostly for social reasons (dinner with Seth) or necessity (so I can take medicine). And to tie back to an earlier post, I’m fine missing a few meals! The part that troubles me is that I’m not enjoying these things.
To be honest, I’m rather fed-up with this whole cancer thing. Even sleeping has lost its charm. Sometimes I feel like I’m just passing time in my signature low-grade-fever-funk, waiting for the moment when I’m so exhausted that I pass out lying down on or leaning in the corner of my couch. When I wake 2-4 hours later, it’s usually in a panic, gasping for air, coughing. It’s getting old my friends, really old.
So tonight I tried to push myself a bit and go to dinner, even though I didn’t feel good.
Normally, when you are sick you think, ‘I should rest so my body can heal, and I will feel better.’ But I’m not sure that logic applies here. First, I know that no amount of rest will fix this. Cancer does not simply ‘run its course.’ Correction: Cancer DOES run its course, but you don’t want to be around at the finish line! Second, misery loves company. I think my exact words to Seth as I stepped into his house were, “I’m tired of being miserable alone.” And third, I hate feeling like a day has gone by and I’ve done absolutely nothing to enjoy it.
So dinner was nice. I took my time, and I enjoyed both the food and the company. And I enjoyed being off my couch for a couple of hours. I can’t just keep waiting to feel better. What if this is as good as it gets, and I’m just wasting time?