Upon a Star

I finally got to make my wish.

My actual birthday (Friday) was a bit of a washout; I felt positively awful so we postponed my ‘fancy’ dinner and opted for a quick and easy option instead.  I then wallowed in self-pity for remainder of the night.  It came easily and seemed to pair well with my physical state.  Rest eluded me.

Two hours of sleep later, Seth visited a special birthday weekend treat – bagels!  This cheered both my spirit and my belly.  Around 11:30am I declared it nap time.  Cancer mostly sucks, but I do enjoy being able to nap at will!

And I’m a napping champ – honestly, I should update my résumé.  Left to my own devices, my most common nap is approximately 1 hr 45 minutes in duration.  (This must be my natural sleep cycle.)  Saturday afternoon I completed one nap and lay in bed for half an hour while I weighed my options: get up or go back to sleep…  I awoke refreshed at 4:30pm, and we headed out a few hours later for my special dinner.

Drinks and appetizers were delightful.  Midway through dinner, though, I had a small setback with some nasty back pain; but I took a pain pill, had a mini breakdown in the ladies’ room, and pulled myself together.  I was going to enjoy this dinner, dammit!  Once we had made respectable progress on our entrées, we ordered dessert.  And then I started planning…

I’ve always liked birthday wishes – and it’s a bit out of character.  After all, I’m not a religious person, nor am I given to spiritual or ethereal beliefs.  (I believe in science and the people and animals I love.)  So I generally place ‘wishes’ somewhere between ‘positive thinking’ (yay) and ‘magic’ (nay) on my personal spectrum of substantiative concepts.  But I do, once a year, allow myself a birthday wish.

A wish…  Not something I expect to come true.  Instead it’s something that I want with all my might to be true.  As I silently focused on the perfect phrasing, Seth said, “I know what I would wish for if I was you!”  I looked at him quizzically for a brief moment before I remembered, “oh, the lung cancer thing.”  Funny – it never occurred to me that I would wish for something for myself.  ‘What a waste of a wish,’ I thought.  And then, like a light bulb above my head, I had it.

Our desserts arrived, mine with a single candle on a delicately decorated plate.  I closed my eyes, made my wish, took a breath – though maybe not so big – and puffed out the candle.

For what did I wish?  Why if I told you, it wouldn’t come true!   😉


3 responses to “Upon a Star

  • Jessica

    Note that there is a widely accepted link between mental and physical health. In other words, I do believe that positive thinking can contribute to physical well-being.

  • Linda Forem

    Happy Birthday Capricorn! I, too, am a Capricorn! We Capricorns are strong women, so I know you will thrive in spite of your diagnosis. This blog is one way you are thriving.
    I have been touched by Lung Cancer as my sister Wendy had it. She refused to talk about it though, and I, the practical Capricorn studied LC every day on the internet as though I could find a treatment breakthrough that would cure her. I am also a “control freak” by nature, so I felt I had to take control in some way. Learning about it and reading more and more felt somehow more “in control.”
    I am getting such a sense of you from your writing. I really love following your journey. I want to cure you, of course, and Lord knows I am praying for you to continue to be the incredible survivor that you already are.
    Glad you enjoyed your birthday dinner! I hope you don’t mind that I share your journey with you. I want you to live for many years to come!
    So, Happy Happy Birthday.
    PS. Has your doctor suggested physical therapy or respatory therapy to assist you in your breathing? There are techniques that could help you when you feel short of breath. My Dad had emphysema and this therapy really helped him. I showed it to Wendy,also, and I know it helped her when she was having difficulty.
    Basically you breathe in through your nose slowly and out with your mouth with persed lips, slowly of course. This became a tool that assisted my Dad so much. When I get out of breath in a spinning class I do this and it does help me!!
    Oncologists are focused on one important thing. Sometimes they don’t open their view to the whole patient. (My sister lived in NYC and I live in Richmond, Va.) Talk about feeling out of control! I coudn’t even be there to take her to her doctor’s appointments. I started emailing her oncologist (he is an NYU professor also, and reads his email.) and made suggestions that he actually included in her treatment care. Like physical therapy. And he also got her onan anti-depressant. She never admitted to him she was getting depressed. (She was an actress!) But I could really see it. He was an awesome doctor. And with HIPAA laws I wasn’t’ even supposed to be communicating with him.
    My sister didn’t know I did this because she hated my control freak nature!! She liked to go with the flow more. And I on the otherhand wanted to direct things! LOL. Bottom line, I wanted her to get the best care possible.
    Happy New Year. Linda

    • Jessica

      Linda, thank you for your reply and suggestions. I am honored that you wish to spend your time following my journey. I hope you have a wonderful new year!

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